Which Crappy IF Game Are You?


(javascript cheerfully stolen from the "Which Robert And Tim Show Character Are You?" test, which was adapted from the "Discover Your Inner Dragon Test").

Note: some results are not worksafe. To be nice to Storme & Iain, please don't let this spread too far.




1. Would you rather die of
a surfeit of figs
choking on your own fetid crapulence
flea bites
boredom
a vagary of Fate
a botched System Shock roll
I don't plan on dying.


2. Which of the delightful and carnally tempting options displayed below best denotes your attitude towards SEX?
The what now?
I guess I might want to have kids at some point.
I'm kind of coy about the subject. Next question!
I'm frank about it, but fairly orthodox, I guess.
I've got a few kinks, but I acknowledge most people don't want to know about them.
I'm obsessive and creepy, but in a really conventional way.
Anything goes. And everyone's gonna hear about it.


3. Which of these charming entities best represents your attitude to VIOLENCE?
coffee spoon
Athenian phalanx
rubber chicken
lictor's mace +4 of undead bruising
claw-hammer
rohipnol tablets
hideous agony


4. At birth, you were precipitated from:
the ugly tree
the stupid tree
the bastardly tree
the pointless tree
the monkey-puzzle tree
Do I have to draw you a picture?
imperial favour


5. The government places all responsibility for the nation's economy in your hands. You:
embark on a programme of cautious reforms
declare your used underwear legal tender
smile a lot for the press in the hope this will inspire consumer confidence
invest heavily in low-quality candies
two words: red twenty
purchase a sturdy galleon and a crew of rascals to prey upon larger, slower economies
dirty yourself


6. You are:
a morning person
an evening person
a lunchtime person
a staying up late doing dumb quizzes person
too removed from the outside and timekeeping devices to know what time it is
good when you have stimulants, bad otherwise
constantly at peak performance


7. Pick a leading modernist, according to whatever criteria happen to spring to mind at this point.
Sausurre
T.S. Eliot
Virgina Woolf
DH Lawrence
James Joyce
Vladimir Tatlin
er... a leading what?


8. You consider nature to be:
an unexceptional backdrop
red in tooth and claw
full of pretty, fluffy things
an ever-reliable source of opponents
full of power and beauty but not particularly real
intermittently inconvenient
you're assuming I consider it at all


9. If you were an irritating, morally suspect Mormon freak, which book of the Bible would you shove in people's faces in an attempt to earn your third wife?
Leviticus
Job
Revelations
Luke
the Apocrypha of Derek
Song of Solomon
open a page at random


10. Which of the following should never be put in a cocktail?
anything chili-based
milk
magic mushrooms
worms, scorpions or other small dead alcohol-pickled animals
sub-standard ingredients
cock
alcohol